Logan Lewis Sohrab Grimmond - 28th November 2019- 23rd December 2019

Words shared by Logan's mummy, Natasha

Our little Logie bear , 700g of pure joy. He certainly lived up to his names, he was a brave warrior. He filled us with love and remains in our hearts forever. Shine bright little one, we miss you so much.

We are Natasha and Fraser Grimmond, Logan's parents. We met in 2004, got married in 2010 and always knew we wanted to have a family together. Our precious little Logan entered this world very quickly on the 28th November 2019, weighing in at only 700g as he was just 23+6 weeks gestation. Logan was our second baby, our first boy! Devastatingly we had lost our first baby, our daughter Leila, at 16 weeks gestation on 22nd May 2018. Our pregnancy with Logan was complicated by Hyperemesis Gravidarum and recurrent placental abruptions. Thus I was monitored very regularly. Logan was a warrior from the very beginning, always looking so healthy on scans despite all the bleeding and complications.

Worryingly at 23 weeks a scan showed Oligohydramnios (lack of fluid around baby) and I was admitted for monitoring and to try and ascertain why? The hope was Logan would stay put and continue to grow but it turns out I had preterm premature rupture of membranes and the ongoing bleeding and inflammation led to labour.

We were counselled that giving birth at this gestation meant Logan only had a 50:50 chance of survival and it was likely he would not make it through childbirth. This was absolutely terrifying, I remember physically shaking with fear the whole time, it was all so out with my control. In stark contrast, then came the absolute joy when the doctors said he was trying to breathe . They stabilised him and put a breathing tube in so he could be connected to a ventilator to help his premature lungs . We were allowed to take a wee photo through the glass of the incubator and then he was quickly whisked away to the NICU.

It was a few hours before Fraser and I would be able to see him again. It felt like eternity. And it would be 5 days before we could hold him for the first time . We remember just sitting in the labour ward in complete shock desperate to see him and know he was okay. When the staff came to say we could go to the NICU I honestly could have sprinted upstairs! He was just so perfect and so active, we were absolutely besotted and in complete awe. We just wanted to hold him and never let him go. We were allowed to hold his tiny hands and he gave our fingers a really tight squeeze!

Logan was an absolute warrior, he fought for every minute of his life. We had 26 precious days with him, he had so many challenges, very underdeveloped lungs because of his gestation, sepsis from having lines put in and a bowel condition that happens in preemies , called NEC. It is heartbreaking to watch your baby go through all of that, you just want to swap places with them.

We spent as much time as we possibly could in the NICU settling in for what was expected to be a 4 month stay to get Logan to his due date. Some nights the staff even arranged for us to be able to stay in the parents room but on the nights when we couldn't it broke our hearts leaving him. We have such precious memories of the few times we were able to have skin to skin, we constantly read to him and we were able to do his daily cares and tube feeds and change his nappies. The NICU had a scheme called Beads of Courage ,a little bead is given for everything a baby goes through such as having a drip put in or have a tube changed. Here is a picture of Logan's beads , almost unfathomable! NICU life is really tough, a rollercoaster that there is absolutely no control over but the staff were amazing. They gave Logan and us brilliant care and supported us to bond and make as many memories as possible.

On the day Logan died he seemed to be recovering from another set back. We arrived around the morning ward round time, as we often did and were asked to wait in the tea room as Logan needed a quick procedure.

Suddenly the consultant and one of the nurses appeared and by their faces we could tell something was very wrong. They explained that the procedure went smoothly but afterwards Logan's heart stopped beating properly and they were trying to resuscitate him.

When we ran to him, we could see that the resuscitation was not helping ,our precious little boy was dying. We were devastated. We held him, sang to him, told him we loved him and that it was okay to rest now and he had been so so brave and strong. He passed away in our arms.

Despite fighting so hard to be here ,Logan didn't get to stay. It is cripplingly sad that our boy never got to live his life, take his first steps, have his first day at school , stroll along the beach dipping his toes in the ocean, play with his dogs, find his passion(s) and fall in love. I dream of these things often. His memory will always remain, he has touched the lives of so many and we will give him the legacy he deserves, we are so proud of our little man. Not long after Logan passed the pandemic hit. NHS bereavement services were affected. We were so grateful to have come across Teddy's Wish and can honestly say that the bereavement counselling that was arranged for us helped us cope with the trauma of losing both Logan and Leila. Baby loss isn't just tragic and traumatic it is also extremely lonely and isolating ( even without a pandemic!). Our friends and family were wonderful but we knew they couldn't fully understand how we felt. We were able to get the full empathy and understanding we so desperately needed through our counselling.

We cannot thank Teddy's wish and our counsellor Céline enough. We have the strength to continue to have enduring bonds with Logan and begin to heal. We carry Logan forward with us in everything we do and hope in Logan's memory to be able help other people going through baby loss.